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Day 16 - What a Slog

You may find this hard to believe, but I have job searched before. Really! I can say with confidence that I have done it at least once before.

But this. This is different. I wasn't prepared for how this search would feel.

For most of my other job searches, I had jobs already and was looking to make a switch. I felt intentional about where I applied and held out for jobs in my desired pay scale. When I took a job, it was (mostly) because I wanted it.

This job search feels intense. More stressful. I was the breadwinner for the house and held the health insurance. I need to be that again since my husband started his own small business this past March. But because I was the breadwinner, I also can't hold out too long before we start dipping into savings. I hear that like a drumbeat in my head at all times. Find a job. Be employed. Get health insurance. Find a job.

When I was doing this on my timeline, I could put in a job application once every couple of days. Now, if I go a single day without job searching and putting in an application, I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm letting down the household. I went to yoga this morning and spent some time cleaning the house. Was that a mistake? The feeling is visceral as I'm making breakfast, walking the dogs, or laying down at night. Find a job.

I feel this in every interaction I have. I can't believe I'm expected to have normal conversations. How are you doing? I'M UNEMPLOYED. How is work going? I WAS LAID OFF. Have you thought about what you want to do next? I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. Have you heard back from...? NO, AND I ALREADY FOLLOWED UP. Finally, some nice weather, right? FIND A JOB.

I feel guilt in every purchase I make, even the things we need. I'm tired, because recovery is hard, but we shouldn't order out. I feel guilt about not realizing this might be coming. I feel unprepared. Should I have been looking even when I was employed? Should I continue to look after I secure a job? I was let go because of my tenure. I'm going to be the newest person at my next place of employment. Am I at risk again? Will I continue to be at risk because of this one layoff? Because at one point in my late-30s I was let go and if we're going into a recession and employers continue layoffs...

Find a job.

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