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Day 40 - sent from my iPhone

If I’m honest, I think one of the big reasons I stopped writing this as frequently as I had been when I was hired for my new job is because I’m fairly certain my new employers found this blog during the hiring process and it suddenly became real. Like, oh. Shit. The people I work with, work for, maybe shouldn’t know my deepest, darkest thoughts.

To be fair, I probably shouldn’t share them in general and take the worst of those to my therapist, but uh. Here we are.

Anyway, in case they are reading this: I still love the job. I still hate my new phone. I still hope you think I’m doing a good job. I still panic that you’re going to fire me because of the corporate version of PTSD that I carry with me ever since I worked at Clemson, and have carried on through Independent Health, where I was actually fired, so this may never go away. And a new realization I had this week - I have no idea what the girl before me did for you because why is the Google Drive and Canva a mess? And why would I send you a list of mailing addresses with obvious duplicates in it when it is well within my skills to clean those up? In short, I hope I’m worth you passing on the other woman you were interviewing for this position who had previously been an executive assistant for a real estate office and taking a chance on me even though I don’t know shit.

Ok, wow, I rambled there more than I meant to, but that’s honestly what my brain has looked like since going back to work.

We should file taxes. I should go grocery shopping. What would I even buy? What is our plan for dinner tonight? Tomorrow? When was the last time I ate? What was the last thing I ate? When was the last time I gave my body a fruit or vegetable? I’ll drink some water. It’s nice enough to take the dogs for a walk. STOP EATING THINGS OFF THE GROUND. My car needs an oil change. When will I have time for that? I need to check my Board emails. I have 2 Board events this week. I’m missing someone’s birthday. We bombed Iran? Israel bombed Iran? We both did? Cool, do I still need to pay my mortgage then, or do we get this month free for the start of WW3? Ok, not free and we also owe our health insurance. Do I have time to go to the gym? I’d like to see my friends.

My husband thinks I’m the most organized person he knows, and it’s only because everything goes onto a calendar and/or to-do list. If it isn’t written down either hard copy or digitally, it isn’t getting done, and even then it is questionable.

And physically? Not that organized. I hate the layout of my kitchen, and I lost a library book. A library book! I have never, ever, ever done that before! Plus, please don’t ask me the last time I swept.

I know “should” is the thief of joy, but I really should be doing more in the evenings. I should get to the gym, or meal prep, or cook at all. I should write, or invite friends out for a drink or something. But I don’t. I fall asleep on the couch. I hang out with the dogs because now that I’m hybrid, they especially love when I’m home, and I want to hang with them. Is this the dog mom version of “mom guilt?”

But my point is… what was my point? I think it was just that I wanted to get back to writing more, and I did that.

So at least I can check that off my list!

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