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Day 67 - Dopamine

Listen.

I'm not out here trying to make my neuro-spiciness my whole personality, but I am going to ask for some leeway in talking about it while I realize that even my hair tie obsession can be traced back to something I thought I couldn't possibly have.

Tonight, on our way home from dinner, I decided I wanted to write a blog post again today. I haven't been consistent in writing since the days of my job search, but I could do a second day in a row.

So, what was I going to write about?

Crickets.

I had nothing.

I felt like how I imagine one of our dogs to be - absolutely nothing between the ears. Not a single thought behind those eyes. Her three brain cells only kicking into gear to find the most blankets possible at any given time.

I hadn't done anything of note at work today, and the past 24 hours hadn't been particularly exciting. Sure, a few funny texts from my sister about her day with some family, but that's not going to get me to a whole post.

And that's when it hit me - all three of my brain cells were seeking dopamine.

My post yesterday had gotten some good engagement. I had likes on my Facebook post. The comments and the back and forth with some people. Texts and Insta messages from people who didn't want their struggles public. I got to watch the numbers of views on my stats page steadily rise.

Was I really going to use my audience - all 4 of my loyal readers - for my own dopamine hit? Use this for something that I could easily get with the box of Girl Scout cookies sitting on my counter? (Peanut Butter Sandwiches, for anyone curious.)

And if you're reading this, you know that my little lizard brain said "yes, get the engagement." But I'd like to reframe it into something deeper. Yes, checking my Facebook every 3.4 minutes to see if I had another like on my post was searching for that dopamine, but I think what I really wanted was the connection.

People I hadn't heard from in a while reached out. Some others shared their stories on Facebook. We complained about the state of women's health care as a whole. I realized that I had once left an oven on for an entire weekend once when I was in college, and uh. Got some laughter and some concern off of that. I dug deeper into some of the research on ADHD in women and got to talk about it with my husband tonight at dinner.

So no, I'm not going to talk about ADHD forever. At the very least, I'm going to see Seth Meyers in July, and that will likely give me about a month of content alone, so you've got that to look forward to. But I did find this week that by being vulnerable, I built different (and better and stronger) bonds with people in my village. I let people in to know me a little better, and in turn, others wanted to share with me.

It's a really cool thing.

Maybe next time I'm feeling vulnerable, I'll tell you about the underwear rotation I developed for myself as a coping mechanism I didn't even know I needed. Remind me.

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