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Day 40 - tired

I won’t be sharing this one to my socials, so if you found it, thanks for being dedicated.

I am tired.

I am tired in a way that doesn’t seem familiar. I am tired in a way that sleep can’t fix. Or, maybe it can and I’m not getting enough of it because my brain turns on as soon as the first ray of sun hits the house.

I am tired from having surgery, and then being laid off, and then job searching for 5 months, and then getting a job I really wanted at a significant pay cut only for that job to put on full display an ADHD diagnosis that came out of left field. So far out of left field that 3 months later I’m still figuring out what are symptoms of it and not just pieces of my personality for the past 38 years.

I am tired of fighting for democracy only to have my health insurance subsidies taken away so I can spend $1500 a month for 2 people to have health insurance with an $8000 deductible, all because we made the grave error of owning a small business and getting laid off.

I am indecisive. I am dropping the ball. I am making mistakes at work, and not following through on tasks from our new financial advisors. Because we need financial advisors so we can eventually have some. Finances, that is. I backed into a car over the weekend, that was not even moving, and needed to file a claim.

My finger won’t stop twitching, and I seem to have forgotten how to cook. I have a permanent headache, and am no longer surprised by whatever my stomach wants to do. I don’t know why I keep buying fruits and vegetables.

I am so tired that we needed to hire a cleaning service that comes in every other week just so that someone is vacuuming and wiping my counters. And even then, is it making me messier? Am I ok with the crumbs on the floor because I know someone will get them? I am so tired that even with this cleaning service, the house is a mess. My husband has shit all over the place, and the house is in no way ready for my friend who is dog sitting for us tonight. Just like neither the house nor me are ready for the brunch I’m hosting Sunday.

I’m so tired that I don’t even know how to plan for the fact that we have events coming up. Like a nephew’s birthday party, also Sunday, and a family beach day. A beach day I don’t even want to go to because I’m so tired of being the fattest one there. By a large margin. I don’t know that I am, but I am tired of feeling like I’m being judged.

I am not looking for pity. But I am tired.

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